Feebly Human

Tell me brother, of what’s on the other side
Does god decide who lives or who yearns
For unsettled creativity, inspiration or humanity?


Waiting for your response that all of us ponder
Is it worth the wait or shall we mean to follow?


[cut back]
I’ve got to create: needing just to postulate
Not to play or watch or shit my time away
To despise the status quo: it’s the best part of youth.


I’ve got to change, improve, think and improvise
The universe created itself through its insatiable imagination
[And] so I too, strive to be the best, up in the clouds like a god.

Thursday, November 09, 2006, 10:40:57 PM

Quack 2

(I’d like to know when)
Truth is paired up to forgiveness
Wondering why they can forfeit their stake
Sharply for an opportunity to expand


Forgetting all that they’ve known
Those sparrows fly land to land
Narrowly missing the hand to catch them
Far away to rest their wings upon the branch


(I’d like to know why)
Truth is paired to the relentless
Demons who could rip and take away
Simply because there was demand
To fly towards the sky and the sun;
The clouds really, who knew that there was
Even a place in - oh, never mind.


Rip or take away, just not today.
We’ll need a few more, please.
We know however, that the king allows you
Pale demons to rip and pluck


(Giving the)
Light feathers to the dark wings
Of the cave bats who flutter and mock silently
Around the sparrow’s nest, to which
They will never return.

Friday, November 03, 2006, 10:59:01 AM

October 31, 2006. 6:35:11 PM

Random music; Relationship of Command


Chris called me today to say that it was an emergency, phone tag I got a hold of Mike and he told me to get to the hospital. I sped from the IPF listening to the Grudge, followed by Parabol/a and T&L by the time I got to D Street. Kinda weird though; I knew once I got down the hill from work what had happened; the idiot. Like the wife in October Sky, I wasn’t going to cry a tear for him. I collected my glasses, jacket and phone. Across the parking lot I told myself aloud that what was going to happen was “reality” and that whatever it may be, I was going to accept it. I got there I told the lady on the walker to have a good day, and that I was there for some stupid reason. 

The receptionist told me to head down the ER and so I took the hallway, and the woman behind the window [who didn’t realize that she wasn’t speaking loud enough to activate the microphone] told me to head out to the Chapel, which turned out not to be around the corner but just inside of the ambulance entrance. I was somewhat optimistic, thinking that Mike would have followed Pastor Bernie for the sake of support to help my family pray for his, well, recovery, in the chapel. Robert and Mike found me as I walked into the ambulance door and put their arms around me; I knew. 

I first saw Pastor Bernie, and my mom came to me as I walked through the door. I gave my mom a hug and we held face to face, she said that he was gone. Awkwardly I asked her where he went, and the way that she said it reminded me of Lindsey in the car on Christmas Eve, and just now of what Lindsey said to Caiden upon his delivery.
I looked to the right to see my dad with wet eyes. Mike was to the left and I believe that Robert was still by the door. Donna and Brian were in the back by the window across from my dad. “Oh.” I then sat with my mom on the couch and put my arm around her like she needed it. My eyes were still dry. Pastor Bernie said something about God’s graces. I’m glad that he was there; the people who were there for a reason; nobody more, nobody less.
My mom said that she expected to be the one holding me, and I replied that she needed it more.

“It’s not fair.” They’ve already had to bury one child, how long ago? Sixteen years? Somehow that has been refreshed and multiplied. Where have the eighties gone? The first the two eldest of their five children are now gone, and I am now the default. Two out of five. Whether or not it was “intentional” doesn’t really matter, because he put whatever it was into his body, it was his choice. Charley’s line, “Nobody dast blame this man” hits a good chord here, despite the differences of the men. 

Initially I was sad only for my father and especially mother, angry even. It’s not fair to them to bury a second child. It may have been my mother who said to me a long time ago that parents should never have to bury their children; TWO!

I am the oldest brother. My sisters look up to me as their rock older brother.

I really only cried, lightly mind you, after Pastor Bernie implied that I feel differently about it that my mother had expected me to react differently; saying that I’m a father and have my own… I cried for my mother.

I decided to write this when I sat in the addition on the computer and looked around at his stuff, realizing that I will never see him again, at least in this world. Oddly mixed thoughts about having that empty spot where my older brother was. 

He needed help; we all knew that, but we didn’t know. It makes me a lethargic sad to think that we didn’t know how desperately he needed it. Highs and lows, however he’d react depending on his mood and whatever was going on; it’s hard to see clearly as things may be to others while you are impressed by your own perceptions. Whether it was on purpose depends on how he perceived life at the time; was he fucked up? Well obviously that, but would he if he were sober? I’m conflicted on the perspective thing in the way that I conflict a conscious or omniscient God. I don’t know if that’s a good comparison, but you know what I mean. Did he do it because his thoughts were enhanced by an altered state, or did he intend on it and used the altered state as a way to enhance his thoughts? Perhaps I’ll never know. Regardless of his state, was it intentional and what were his thoughts? It may be best left at that, and keep me guessing for the rest of my days rather than knowing and possibly being haunted.

Cassandra Haupt from Starbucks who told me that he was cute moved from down south after four of her best friends committed suicide; I’d like to tell her why he wouldn’t be coming to work anymore. I don’t want to tell anybody that I work with. I hate them, to be honest. My friends can wait to know that he’s even gone.

Extreme moods seem to be inherent in the family, I want to speculate about in who or how. I find extreme a great description of the contrast between him and me at this point, or at least the last point; with my inspiration to [re]establish connections beyond Practical Cleaning Solutions.

Perhaps bringing him back into this house exacerbated his moods, through the conflicts and arguments. The last time I saw him, I had told him through anger to shut the fuck up, that he didn’t belong in the house anymore. I have my own family now, and it’s been hard on them to dodge bullets. I never told him that I forgave him, and even wish to apologize. 

My parents should not endure this. Julie and Leann don’t know, so it was eerie to greet Leann as she came home from school today.

Question of the day:
Does death contract an afterlife, or a cessation of existence?
An afterlife is easy for a human to comprehend as being similar to life, but cessation is impossible, because nonexistence is not comprehensible.


Eva just called for Scott… he’s out? Oh god that was awkward.

Track 02

Out in the middle of the woods
Just again, I'm up to no good.
Gettin' cold outside -- ...

Dillard and Young, I could see where they're comin' from.
Fightin' answers, people without lanterns
It's all over, it's all you and I really wanted you.

Me and you, trapped in everything we're so lost in a tunnel.
So lost, so lost.
I can('t?) help you find a way out.
All out of money and I ain't got doubt,
Jumpin' on a train to San Fransisco
Even this town, town to town
You can be a new person you can wear a frown
or you can put on that smile.
Walk a couple of miles.

Do you really need a car? Is your work or job or leisure far?

A story about Jack and Jill,
They went up and down the hill
Jack came tumblin' down.

Don't tell me about your old stories,
I've heard it all before and my God, it's so boring.

Rewind!

1989, had things going
Had a dime, had a girl, had a job, had a car and had the truth..
Everything seemed like it would be fine
I knew that in the end depression is forever, but not friends.

Person that I know from the town of O went everywhere they could go and they dropped down on that plane.
Was a very tragic day.
Left and right and all askew, passengers without the tubes.
90 casualties, everyone was blasphemy.

Lawsuits in the courts, lithium and Agent Orange.

There's gotta be a positive side, there's got to be something to this.
No matter how I look around, no one could see through this.

Replacing every loss in your life with a big fat car and a half-way decent wife.
She cooks and does the dishes but she doesn't fulfill your deepest wishes
so you end up here, end up there. End up still without your cares.

Wife and kids, everything. Car payments and your color TV.
Not saying that it's not a good thing.
I just have some better plans.
Just have some better plans.
Just have some better plans.

Turn off your alarm clock, you old man.
Get your old lover back!
Quit wakin' up in the morning in the office in the back --
you don't need all that caffeine.
The amount of sex you lack's obscene.
It's not that, it's a thing called love, given up and down from Satan or from God above.
Don't know what it is, but I know I never had it ever since I was a kid and I'm pissed!

Don't parents don't seem to see why
Do I have a star glint or some money making drop(?) in my eye?
Don't mean to scare you girl, just terrified of the whole world.


"I dunno but I think it's time to go home."

Until You Lose Them

Until You Lose Them by Scott Leyva

Recorded 16 Oct 2006 by Scott Leyva at Certain Sparks Recording Studio.

I'm gonna play guitar by myself for one measure, then Stewart's coming in, and then you can come in on third.

"So don't play until everyone' in?"

"One -- 'Until You Lose Them' take one, October 16."

"Thank you for coming."

Wake up from an eighteen-hour day.
Got it on and on away to be yourself
This is no way to be yourself

You got things to do and places to see,
you got shows and friends and lots of tea-uh
I feel you're wasting a girl.

Walk into a coffee cup
Oh today again I'll skip my lunch and
clock out before the time is right.

Get along with Mom and Dad,
the whole freezer and there asdflkjsadf is coming
...don't exactly understand.

Walk into a waterfall
she stews me when I'm bound to fall
Can you save it?
I don't think that I can place it.

*break*

Oh!

You got a conversation for me to start tonight
Think I'll wait til tomorrow night.
I've got a lot of things on my mind.
Traffic and stocks and dimes.
I don't have to work, no, anymore.

Crazy crazy crazy crazy.

Have to stop this sdfadifjasdf
Boxes fast, he ruins his family's name into a coffee cup
Water for breakfast and alcohol for lunch.
Don't need to eat when you got no fear.
Dying seems so God damn insincere.

I don't want to quit no more.
Tired of wakin' up on that floor and it's time to make that change.
Things become so hard to rearrange.

*break*

... sex is such a drag.
Wake up in the morning and I feel the loss in my hands.
...down that swimming pool
I'm never gonna feel like a fool again
Wait for you to come to me, travel down from sea to sea,
I don't need no canoe -- a kayak with one oar will do.

Sheriff's still lookin' for me!
Warrants and everything, he's on my feet.
I got his home address!
Tell everyone he picked the wrong Beaner to mess - his whole family up in flames, wait till the very last on the Christmas day.
You will feel my small-man wrath, packaged with explosives, napalm and gas, oh!

"Wanna hear it, and just chill?"
"That was pretty chaotic, but crazy"